Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Oh, hello again.

It’s been so long since I’ve put pen to paper, or perhaps more accurately, cursor to screen. I don’t know how I made it through winter without writing. The summer is full of distractions, but the long dark days of winter typically throw me into a 5-month funk. During those months I become a true introvert. I spend most of my free time alone, with my thoughts to keep me company. I am introspective to the point of agony and am forced to journal as a means to process.
Perhaps my lack of hermit-hood is a sign that this winter has been much more manageable. I’m usually swallowed up by depression come November, but I have been surprisingly content this season. One might call it “happiness”.
The part that leaves me scratching my head is the fact that there was no real struggle. I did not have to battle for it. It was right there for the taking. I found myself in the midst of satisfaction.
By no means did I escape loss, loneliness, pain, or frustration. Those feelings simply lost the ability to keep me in a permanent state of angst.

I am slowly coming to the understanding that I will never completely have my shit together. This realization is quite freeing. I still have moments of panic, but for the most part I expect the unexpected. Life moves and morphs and ushers in surprise after surprise.
I am aware, perhaps more than ever, of the lack of control I have in my life.
It is good to make goals. It is good to strive toward something that has meaning to you. However, if you become far too strict with those goals you may miss out on something bigger, something beyond yourself. You may view it as a failure, when in fact it is simply a new direction.

I don’t know what these next few months will bring. I’m overwhelmed with some big decisions I’m trying to make. I don’t even know what tomorrow will bring. So, I shall let tomorrow worry about itself. I will try my very best to take things in stride and recognize little victories along the way.

Good day, friends.